*Disclaimer: The grief of losing a loved one is devastating. I am not, in any way, discounting that grief. I only aim to acknowledge that we can grieve many types of losses.
Grief is a very strong and powerful thing to go through. Grief is typically associated with the loss of the life of a loved one. But grief can be felt after any loss.
Dictionary.com defines grief in this way:
Grief: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
Grief isn't only felt after a death. Grief is a suffering after any significant loss. And when I say 'significant' that is a relative term. You can not judge another's loss, no matter it's size. Feelings of grief are real for the person feeling them and must be dealt with in a healthy manner.
Grief can be over the loss of the life you had planned in you mind. For example, learning an injury will prevent you from continuing with your favorite fitness class can cause grief for the loss of the thing you loved to do and the way you loved to move your body. Grief can come from learning you can not have any more children when you planned on having a house full of kids, this grief is for the loss of your dream family. People can grieve after learning that a disease has to change the way they live their life, grieving the loss of freedom, independence, etc.
Grief comes after any sort of loss, no matter the size.
However, the feelings of grief that come with loss other than loss of life are sometimes confused, subdued, ignored or suppressed. Since no one passed away we don't always associate our feelings as grief.
I talk with clients who feel guilty for feeling anger over a loss that didn't involve a death. But, when we learn about grief we learn that there are distinct stages to grief, all grief. No matter how large or small.
There are many stages to grief. One website I looked at listed 7 stages (http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html):
1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. "Depression," Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope
Each of these stages must occur and at its own pace. You can not rush a stage of grief. Some last a long time, some don't last long at all. But they must all occur for healing to truly happen.
I coach clients all over the world to help them with better nutrition, weight loss, lifestyle changes and more. I recently spoke with a client who wanted to lose weight. She was upset about her weight gain. We chatted back and forth over a few weeks about what her goals were, what she thought her biggest obstacle was, etc. But she didn't seem ready to take the plunge and actually start incorporating changes.
Then one day she finally opened up and shared with me that she had recently found out that she was not able to have any more children. She has one child but had wanted a big family her whole life. Since receiving this sad news she had not been able to find the focus to make healthy changes in her life and had been gaining weight. She confessed to feeling angry and bitter and that she felt guilty about these feelings as that is not the kind of person she thought she was.
This lovely soul had received news that devastated the dream of a family that she had held her whole life.On top of this loss she added guilt for feelings that are typical of grief.
I pointed out that she was grieving this loss and that anger and bitterness are one of the stages of grief. They are normal and acceptable and must be felt fully, not buried and denied, if true healing were to occur. Recognizing guilt is the first step in the healing process.
I have coached many clients who have suffered injuries that result in them having to change their lifestyle. A bulging disc, vertebral damage, loss of limb, paralysis, etc. Each of these come with a long list of things the person can no longer do. Sometimes these clients have to cease participating in activities they have done for a lifetime, activities that bring them great joy, that include their friends and social life, etc. For example, an avid runner who is in a running club and attends the group social events and travels with other running friends to compete in marathons all over the country who is told they can no longer run experiences major loss in multiple areas of their life. This loss must be grieved. The stages of grief have to occur, and it's ok to feel them all. Shock, guilt, anger, loneliness, etc, all of them are normal and ok.
I have also coached clients who receive a diagnosis of a life changing disease. for example autoimmune diseases, muscular degenerative diseases, chronic fatigue, digestive diseases, etc. With these diseases comes a significant change in lifestyle. Working all day AND going to the gym AND making a healthy dinner AND spending time with family becomes impossible for someone with decreased energy and fatigue. For these people it's a challenge just to get out of bed and get to work let alone adding enjoyable activities to the day. People with digestive illness are slaves to their tummies and have to adjust their entire schedule based on how their gut reacts to food that day. These illnesses come with a loss of the freedom of a life without disease. That loss results in grief. And that grief is normal, healthy and acceptable.
We don't often acknowledge that these types of losses cause grief and therefore we tend to bury our feelings and feel even guiltier for feeling them.
So, what to do? Acknowledging that there has been a loss and you must grieve is the first step. Some grief can be dealt with on your own, however, sometimes we need a little help. Seeking counseling for grief and loss is not only acceptable but extremely helpful and can assist you to healing faster then doing it alone. Don't be ashamed to seek out grief counseling for loss that doesn't involve loss of life.
If you have a loved one who is experiencing grief be patient and accepting. You can not judge another's feelings, ever, If someone feels grief that grief is real, no matter what your opinion on the matter may be. To you it might not be a big deal that your sister can't have more kids, you don't want kids anyway, so this isn't as emotionally charged for you. But those feelings your sister is experiencing are very real and should be respected. You might be confused why your wife is so sad because she can't run any more. She always complained about training for those marathons anyway. And now you can do more stuff together, so what's the big deal. These might be your feelings, but your wife has lost some large parts of her life that made her happy and contributed to her identity. Acknowledge and accept her losses. Don't ever try to minimize them.
Support your loved ones through their journey and their feelings. You can't change how they feel and you can't fix it for them. All you can do is love and support them during a time they need it the most.
So, identify you have experienced a loss, understand the stages of grief and accept them, seek help even if you feel silly, and just do your best every day, that's all anyone can do.
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