Bad Mama Blues

I took Finn to the pediatrician today for a follow up visit.
He went in last month at 14 months old and his weight had gone down. They were concerned and asked me to come back a month later after trying to increase his food intake
.
I was SO SUPER, UBER focused on getting this kid's weight up. I even bought frozen french fries and cookies (organic, of course). We started Feeding Finn 4 square meals a day, with 3-4 snacks and 2-4 bottles. This kid has been EATING!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so sure that we would get a great report today at the Peds.

I was wrong.

In one whole month of feeding this kid 24/7 he gained 1 oz. ONE MEASLY OUNCE!!!!!!!!!!!

His weight has now dropped into the 8th percentile. He was in the 15th percentile up until 10 months old and has been declining ever since.

I felt like a failure.

His height and head circumference and development are fine. So this is not a life threatening issue. But that doesn't prevent me from feeling awful. If this trend continues it could become an issue.

The nurses, nurse practitioners and doctors told me that I need to start giving him dairy, yogurt, milk, fried chicken nuggets, cheese, etc to make sure he's getting enough protein and fat. We are a dairy free home, except for some occasional chocolate. We eat a LOT but it's quite healthy.

So I'm overwhelmed with so many feelings. I know that Finn is fine, he's healthy, I just need to make some dietary changes for him. But I still feel guilt, I still feel absolutely awful. I don't want to give him junk because I want him to be healthy. But, have I been preventing him from being at his best health because of my own personal beliefs and views on food? Is this my fault?

I'm not looking for assurance or kind comments with this blog. I know all the responses and know that he'll be fine. I just want to vent about these feelings I'm having. :)

I cried in the Dr'd office. I cried in the car. I cried in the grocery store as I loaded up on foods I loved as a kid like Campbell's Cream of Chicken Soup, Campbell's Beef and Vegetable soup, and Spam - foods I haven't had in my cupboards in decades.
I tried to stay as healthy as possible and bought organic chicken nuggets, organic fish sticks, organic coconut ice cream, Kefir drink and organic yogurts. And I bought coconut oil to add to milk and other foods.

So I am going to have a total melt down for the rest of the day today and cry about this. Then I am going to pull myself up by the boot straps and attack this challenge head on once more for another month of trying my hardest to help my son gain weight.

I will offer him these fattier protein packed foods in hopes of putting some meat on his little body.

So far he does not like organic chicken nuggets, he drank 1/2 a small bottle of kefir and only 1/2 of his milk with added coconut milk. I'll take each small success and won't give up on trying things even if he doesn't like them yet.

<Deep sign and a tear rolls down my cheek>

The trials and tribulations of a new Mommy.